The Nice Guy Syndrome, Explained
Nice guys get rejected.
Nice guys finish last.
Does this mean they’re red flags? Not necessarily.
But women want a well-meaning gentleman. And often, a man with nice guy syndrome doesn’t fall into that category.
What Is the Nice Guy Syndrome?
The syndrome isn’t an official diagnosis. But as marriage and family therapist Kevin Mimms tells Men’s Health, it’s a common behavior where men act kind and helpful. In return, they “expect that these actions will bring success either in their personal or professional life.”
The name and concept first appeared in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by marriage and family therapist Robert Glover. According to him, the syndrome has these three “covert contracts” that guide men:
- Be a good guy, and everyone will love you back.
- Meet others' needs without them having to ask, and they’ll return the favor.
- Do everything right, and you’ll have a smooth life without problems.
How Does the Nice Guy Syndrome Develop?
The psychology behind being a nice guy is attributed to two factors: early childhood experiences and social conditioning.
Early Childhood
In an article in Psychology Today, Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., states that childhood adversities can drive the syndrome. Mistreatment, neglect, or abandonment can create insecurity, doubts, and fear of shame. They force a child to feel like his knowledge and abilities are lacking and depend on others to fill the gap.
When he reaches adulthood, his dependence reinforces his powerlessness.
- He calls out for unfairness when the other person fails to reciprocate his efforts.
- He avoids conflict because he’s worried about others’ perceptions of him.
- He doesn’t feel important, so neither are his needs and desires.
- He seeks validation because he thinks he’s not good enough.
Social Conditioning
In the same Men’s Health piece cited earlier, licensed psychologist David Tzall states that men fall into this syndrome because of personal insecurities and cultural expectations. Many therapists share the same sentiment.
Society tends to reward men for displaying assertiveness, aggressiveness, and dominant behavior. Meanwhile, kindness and empathy can be used against them.
Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?
Don’t get me wrong; kindness isn’t bad (and it’ll never be). So why do nice guys often fail in dating? Here are two reasons:
They’re Pushovers
Nice guys act like doormats, and people take advantage of that or overlook their needs. They might think they’re being pleasing, but in reality, they become less attractive partners.
Women prefer men who are confident and secure in themselves. If he can’t even stand up for himself, how does he expect her to trust that he can do so for her, their relationship, and their future children?
They’re Manipulative
When a man likes a woman, he’s usually direct about his feelings. But nice guys prefer to keep their agendas hidden.
Their kind treatment comes with expectations, whether that’s accepting a date invitation or reciprocating their feelings. This puts pressure on a woman, leading to disappointment and conflict.
While relationships should have a balance of give and take, effort shouldn’t come with entitlement.
Nice Guy vs. Good Guy
A nice guy is all about using means to an end. He only cares about the optics, and the last thing he wants is a bad reputation that scares off potential matches.
On the other hand, a good guy is genuinely kind. His thoughtfulness isn't calculated; it comes naturally. He does things because he wants to see a woman happy, not to gain praise or favors from her.
It all boils down to their intentions.
How to Not Be a Nice Guy
Quit the people-pleasing tendencies and shift to authenticity. Here’s how to break away from the nice guy syndrome:
#1: Match your actions with your feelings.
Don’t say or do what others want to hear or see.
#2: Learn to say no.
Don’t suppress yourself just for the sake of peace. If you don’t like something, you’re allowed to disagree. You won’t be on the same page as others all the time, and that’s okay.
#3: Challenge yourself to adopt the characteristics of a good guy.
This includes having self-respect, confidence, and integrity. With these traits, you can leave a mark on whoever you interact with.
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Being a nice guy isn’t a crime. But if you want success on the dating scene, your kindness shouldn’t come with an agenda.
References
Sweeny, Erica. 2023. “6 Definitive Signs of Nice Guy Syndrome.” Men's Health. https://www.menshealth.com/health/a43216627/6-definitive-signs-of-nice-guy-syndrome/.
Schiraldi, Glenn R. 2024. “The Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome and Adverse Childhood Experiences.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hidden-wounds/202405/the-mr-nice-guy-syndrome-and-adverse-childhood-experiences.