Moving On After a Break Up Is Difficult, But Not Impossible

Coping after you break up with your partner is a struggle, but it’s not a hole you can’t climb out of.

No relationship is exempt from the risk of a breakup, even long-term ones. While the thought isn’t a persistent one, it’ll always exist. And when it happens, there’s no way to change the fact that it never feels great.

The decision to break up with someone is a hard pill to swallow, and dealing with the painful aftermath is an arduous journey. This is true regardless of whether you’re the initiating party or on the (unfortunate) receiving end.

There isn’t an instruction manual on processing breakups. Because circumstances differ, everybody deals with them in their own way. But there are healthy coping mechanisms worth trying.

If you’re going through this rough experience, consider this a guide to navigating it. You’ll learn when to end a relationship, how to do it, and how to bounce back from them.

Signs You Should Break Up With Your Partner

Breaking up isn’t a decision you should make on a whim. It requires much contemplation because it’s something you can’t take back. If you think you can break up then get back together with a partner like nothing happened, you can’t.

So, watch out for these red flags and consider them before sounding the alarm:

Staying together feels like an obligation

Relationships require more than just feelings for you to sustain them. The work you and your partner put into them is equally important. Take long-term couples as an example.

However, time doesn’t always equate to success. Sometimes, couples outgrow each other and no longer feel satisfied. Yet, at the same time, they don’t want to leave for different reasons. Some don’t want to feel they’ve wasted their time, while others don’t want to be alone.

Investments aren’t enough to keep relationships happy. If you’re only holding onto the sunk-cost fallacy, it’s time to think twice about keeping the wheels turning.

Hurt prevails over happiness

Relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. Bad (and sometimes ugly) days come along with the good.

However, your relationship, along with other aspects of your life, should contribute to your happiness. Otherwise, what’s the point of staying if it doesn’t give joy?

Let’s say you and your partner have been together for years. It was once a happy relationship, but it’s now become a cesspool of resentment. You two keep looking for ways to hurt each other without caring for the other’s feelings.

Does that picture seem all too familiar? If so, consider getting out before things reach a point of no return.

Are your happy days with your partner long gone? If so, that’s one of the signs you should break up with your partner.

Your needs are always on the back burner

Sometimes, the moment you know when to quit a relationship isn’t always a big one. Small instances can pile up into a sobering realization. Among them is acknowledging that your partner has been neglecting your needs.

In a relationship, if your partner fails to meet one (or more) of your needs, you should tell them. Communication prompts them to fulfill their responsibilities as your other half. If they leave things as is, things start to feel torturous. It’s as if you’re being dragged through concrete.

For some people, things spiral to the point where they fear voicing their needs.

You’re looking for fulfillment in other people

When sign #3 shows no signs of stopping, some people look for satisfaction in others.

“Work wives” and “husbands” seem harmless on the surface. It so happens that they give you the emotional fulfillment you long for. However, it’s a red flag.

While enjoying the company of people other than your partner is great, it can become problematic when they take up most of your time. You have a choice between confiding in your partner or another person.

Trust has been broken and hasn’t been rebuilt

There are plenty of reasons to split up. And this might just be one of them. More often than not, this betrayal happens through cheating—a phenomenon that’s become all too rampant nowadays. You’ve either seen or heard secondhand accounts or, sadly, experienced it yourself. Either way, it’s brutal.

Trust should be part of every couple’s non-negotiables. If not, a relationship won’t have a strong foundation, making it easily susceptible to temptations and other harmful elements. What’s good about being with someone who constantly makes you feel you need to look over your shoulder?

It doesn’t take a huge fight for you to know when to quit a relationship. Sometimes, it’s the little issues that remain unaddressed.

How to Break Up With Someone Properly

It never feels great to break up with someone you love. But there’s a way to go about it without creating a mess.

Dumpee, take notes. Here are the steps to end your relationship as cleanly as possible. We’ll divide these into three subsections: before, during, and after breaking up.

Before a Breakup

#1: Do some reflection

“Should I break up with my girlfriend?”

“Is it really over?”

These are just some of the many questions you should ask yourself when contemplating a split.

Don’t just act while in a highly emotional state. Your decision won’t only affect you. Think things through before making the call.

#2: If possible, give your relationship a fighting chance

Can your relationship still be saved? If so, try to make things work.

You don’t want to blindside your partner with a sudden announcement. Share your concerns and feelings first. Your honesty may be the wake-up call they need to help you fix things.

#3: Prepare for strong feelings

Breakups are intense. Don’t be surprised if strong emotions surface. Even if you’ve made your choice, it wasn’t the easiest. It’s not the ending you hoped for, but you still feel bad because you’ve shared significant portions of each other.

Get your feelings out by writing a break up letter for yourself.

#4: Practice before the real deal

Breaking the news can be intimidating. Shake the nerves by practicing it with trusted people. There’s no harm in simulating it. Saying what you want to say aloud can help you prepare for the moment.

Do you want to keep it private? Pen a break up letter. You don’t have to send this to them; think of it as an exercise in baring your real self. Writing and organizing your genuine thoughts and feelings can help you deliver your message clearly when the conversation finally takes place.

#5: Sort out the logistics

Breaking up with someone is hard enough. What do you do when you share the same roof with that person?

Learning how to break up with someone you live with means discussing logistics. If you’ve got shared properties, finances, and other obligations, you should map out a plan for dividing responsibilities.

During a Breakup

#1: Don’t beat around the bush

If you’re genuinely looking out for the other person, spare them the misery and drama. When you break up, go straight to the point. Keep your explanation simple. Use “I” statements when making your case to avoid playing the blame game.

Ripping the bandage off isn’t easy. However, it’s better than going in circles.

#2: Give your partner room to speak

Regardless of whether breaking up is a mutual decision, you should save space for your partner to talk. You’re not the only one feeling bad about all this. Don’t assume otherwise; you’ll just be dismissive.

#3: Brace yourself for defensiveness

Don’t be too surprised if the other person shows some defensiveness. Perhaps they haven’t seen this coming. Maybe they’ve also been denying the obvious. Validate their feelings by saying something along the lines of, “I know this is difficult for you. I wish that it wasn’t.”

#4: Practice kindness

Again, your choice doesn’t only affect you. Your partner has to process your decision in real-time and can’t do anything to change it. The least you can do is be empathetic.

#5: Stick to your guns, even if it hurts

You didn’t want this unhappy ending, but you made your choice for a reason. Your relationship no longer makes you happy. It’s not as if you got bored and wanted to bail.

Seeing your partner’s reaction will also sting. But don’t waver. See your decision through; trust that you’ve chosen the right option for yourself.

Learning how to break up with someone means letting go, even if the feeling sucks.

After a Breakup

#1: Give yourself a moment

A breakup is a lot to take in, even if you’re the one who initiated it. Aside from the decision, you might not help but think about others’ reactions. And with that, take a moment and give yourself some grace. You need time for the change to sink in.

#2: Tell people when you’re ready

Breakups can feel isolating. Let your loved ones know once you’re ready to share the bad news. Their love and support will give you the comfort you need.

#3: Don’t forget to look after yourself

Adopting volatile coping mechanisms is tempting during sad times like these, but they won’t help you in the long run.

Swap harmful self-medication practices for healthier ones like journaling, meditation, or working out. These will teach you how to work on yourself, which your mind and body will thank you for.

#4: Don’t be a bitter ex

Is it tempting to talk smack about your ex? Yes, especially if they were a particularly bad one. But take the high road.

Disparaging your ex is a bad look all around. It’s one thing to share your feelings and experiences, but painting them as a villain is another.

Stages of a Breakup

Breakups work like grief. That loss makes one experience a roller coaster of emotions, with some days being harder than others. It’s not a linear process, either. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself back at square one after working through your feelings for a long time.

Without further ado, here are the seven grieving stages after a breakup:

1. Ambivalence

Once the news hits, you’ll feel a billion things running through your head. Your logic and feelings are fighting to lead. It’s as if there’s a tug-of-war in you, and you can’t do anything to stop it.

2. Shock and denial

As soon as the ambivalence dies down, the shock takes its place. As much as you try to rationalize the situation, you can’t help but feel confused. You naturally want to know what went wrong, especially if you didn’t foresee the breakup happening.

This shock comes with denial. You try your best to process your current reality, but you can’t help but look back at past promises. You don’t want to learn how to deal with a breakup because you’re arguing why it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Shock and denial feel like two stages of a break up rolled into one.

3. Bargaining and negotiation

At this point, you still refuse to accept what has happened. Emotions are still high, and you feel you can still fix things. You try to bargain—with yourself and your ex. Since your feelings remain intense, this often results in you making poor decisions.

4. Resentment and anger

Once you’ve moved past the first three stages, reality sets in. But the sobering realization often comes with negative feelings. If there was resentment already bubbling within, it’ll surface. If not, it’ll manifest itself.

You know you need to learn how to get over someone. However, you still can’t help but feel angry about the whole thing.

5. Sadness

When your anger fades out, sadness takes over. This is where the real grief begins. You’re aware of your current reality, but you still hate the fact it’s happening. Your emotions are sapping your energy, making you feel lifeless. You don’t feel like doing anything other than moping and listening to break up songs.

6. Acceptance

As cliché as this sounds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This stage is an embodiment of that saying. You realize why the breakup had to happen, even if you still feel upset about it. Your ex slowly fades away from the picture as your focus returns to yourself.

7. Moving on

While moving on and acceptance seem like one stage, they’re entirely different. At this point, you’ve totally disengaged from your ex and have fully grasped how to move on from a relationship. You can look back at that portion of your history without feeling bad about it.

How to Overcome a Breakup

After you break up, processing it is only half the battle. The other is getting through it. To say that it’s difficult is an understatement. Even if this isn’t your first time experiencing one, the struggle remains.

If you don’t know what to do after a breakup, these coping mechanisms should help you:

How can you move on if you keep blocking your feelings out?

#1: Let yourself feel

Don’t fight your feelings. There’s no use denying them, especially if you’re one to wear your heart on your sleeve. How can you move on if you don’t recognize them in the first place?

#2: Be kind to yourself

You owe yourself compassion after what you’ve gone through. Don’t forget your daily self-care, such as proper eating, adequate rest, good hygiene, and regular exercise.

Do you need a mood booster? Lift your spirits by dedicating one day to pampering. Even a body massage can be enough to relax you.

If you want to go a level higher, get a makeover. It doesn’t have to be a drastic one, though. A hair trim is a good place to start.

#3: Get rid of reminders

Even the smallest things that remind you of your ex can be enough to trigger you. Removing any evidence (even digital ones) of them will hurt now, but it’s necessary to cope with a breakup peacefully.

#4: Let others comfort you

As tempting as the opposite is, don’t shut yourself out. There are other people who love you. It may not be in the romantic sense, but they’re always looking out for your well-being.

#5: Get the closure you need

This mechanism is a staple in most people’s “how to heal from a breakup” lists. Closure gives a finality, helping people make sense of their experiences. In the case of breakups, it gives them the peace they’ve been looking for after facing chaos.

If you want closure, you should do it on your terms. You can ask your ex to talk about everything. If that’s not feasible, find it in yourself by writing down your feelings. Since you can see what you’ve written, clarity becomes somewhat tangible.

Feel free to go beyond this list of how to get over a breakup and add other solutions. People cope uniquely, so go with what works best for you.

Whether you asked to break up or got dumped, we hope this guide will help you recover. No split should be enough to keep you down for long.