How can I identify signs that my relationship is failing or beyond repair?

Based on psychologist John Gottman's theory, the presence of the "Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse" strongly predicts a relationship's demise [5]. These are Criticism , which involves attacking your partner's character [5]; Contempt , showing complete disregard for their feelings or opinions [6]; Defensiveness , neglecting concerns and shifting blame [6]; and Stonewalling , refusing to discuss problems or bottling up feelings [7]. If these patterns are consistent even after attempting to talk them out, it signals major relationship problems [7].

Why is it so challenging to leave a relationship, even if it's causing stress or harm?

The difficulty in breaking up often stems from personal beliefs [8]. Key reasons include the fear of loneliness , where individuals tolerate toxic behavior because they fear being alone [1]; low self-esteem , leading people to accept negative treatment as they believe they don't deserve better [3]; codependency , where partners become overly reliant on each other, causing one to neglect their own needs and feel responsible for the other [4]; and the reluctance to let go of wasted potential , meaning the shared plans, dreams, and hopes invested in the relationship [4, 9].

What are the potential benefits of ending a toxic relationship, especially if I hope to find a better partner in the future?

Ending a toxic relationship can be beneficial [10]. It allows you to find inner peace away from negativity, abuse, and disrespect [10] and regain a safe space [11]. Breaking up provides closure , helping you process the end and emerge stronger [11]. Importantly, it creates the opportunity to find someone better – a relationship where you are loved, respected, and valued as you deserve [8]. Prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish [10].

What steps should I take to prepare myself before initiating a breakup conversation?

Preparing for a breakup is crucial [12, 13]. First, reflect deeply and ask yourself "Why?" – ensuring your reasons are clear and reasonable [14]. If you're unsure, seek support from trusted friends or family for an unbiased perspective [15]. Carefully plan the day, place, and method ; choose a private, face-to-face setting away from significant dates like anniversaries or holidays, and avoid breaking up via text [15, 16]. Prepare yourself for your partner's emotional reactions [16] and strive to empathize with their feelings , listening attentively, which can also help you understand what you require in future relationships [17].

Can leaving a difficult relationship help me understand what I need in a future partner for a more successful marriage?

Yes, ending a challenging relationship can provide valuable insight for future partnerships [17]. By empathizing with your partner and actively listening during the breakup process, you can gain a clearer understanding of what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship [17]. This clarity, combined with regaining your self-worth and finding closure after leaving a toxic situation [11], better prepares you to seek a partner who aligns with your needs and desires for a healthy, respectful relationship aimed at marriage [8].

Preparing for the Breakup: Moments Before Separation

a couple giving each other space after the conversation on the breakup

Every couple needs to know how to handle the breakup.

What if the seemingly perfect life you and your partner built starts crumbling down, and you desperately want out? How do you navigate through the wreckage?

Leaving a relationship is not easy. It can be a nerve-wracking experience, because aside from your own emotions, you need to take into account your partner's, too.

But sometimes, the breakup is the ONLY option. The relationship may be beyond the point of fixing, and it’s time you put your foot down and admit that enough is enough.

This can be difficult to process on your own, so here are some notes to remember before breaking the news to your other half. But first, how do you even know the relationship is on its last legs?

Predicting the Breakup

When looking for relationship advice, one of the biggest theories when it comes to breakups is courtesy of John Gottman. Founder of the Gottman Institute, this American psychologist claims he can predict with 99% accuracy if a relationship will end.

His theory is often referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. He claims the presence of all four can lead to a relationship’s untimely demise.

Criticism

The first to show up in most relationships, these are personal attacks on your partner. Instead of bringing up a concern, you end up attacking their character.

Example: You are so lazy! You never do the dishes!

Contempt

Said to be the biggest sign of a relationship’s hostility, it is the complete disregard for your partner’s feelings. Simply put, you think their ideas and opinions don’t matter at all.

Example: Who cares what you think?!

Defensiveness

Often a response to criticism, defensiveness neglects the other's concerns and diverts the blame back to them, creating a never-ending push-pull dynamic.

Example: I’m lazy? I did that last week! Have you ever done the dishes around here?

Stonewalling

The last of the four horsemen shows a disregard for the problem itself. Both parties refuse to talk about a possible solution, bottling up their feelings and not resolving any issues.

Examples: silent treatment, changing the subject, passive-aggressive behavior, walking away.

Obviously, if these factors have only happened once in a while, the relationship can still be saved through dialogue, and maybe some therapy.

But if it continues even after talking it out with your partner, then you are experiencing some major relationship problems.

So, decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving. This isn't as easy as you think, because calling it quits is a tough hill to climb.

A couple fighting after the conversation on the breakup

Having unpredictable emotions is one of the disadvantages of taking a break in a relationship

To Break Up or Not To Break Up

Given the possible reasons for a relationship to fail, you might still wonder: Am I making the right decision? It’s understandable to have second thoughts; at one point in your relationship, they were once the most important person in your life, after all.

However, you have to understand that for you to move on with your life and grow as a person, you need to let go of things that are keeping you stressed, suffocated, and stagnant—and your failing relationship is no exception.

Truth be told, a breakup isn’t always a bad thing! Here are some reasons why:

Inner Peace

Breaking up with a toxic partner allows you to find your inner peace. A relationship filled with toxicity, abuse, and disrespect will only eat at you slowly but surely. Remember that it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. Break free and be happy.

Safe Space

An abusive relationship is especially suffocating. Aside from the dangers of your partner hurting you physically and emotionally, some cope through self-harm. Breaking up allows you to regain that safe space that you can only dream of when your abusive partner is around.

Closure

A breakup allows for closure. It shows that you are strong and resilient. You chose to face your problems head-on and come out of it a better person, thanks to closure. Staying in a toxic relationship deteriorates your self-worth. You often end up disregarding your well-being because you are afraid of uncertainty—the questions that linger before the dust settles. Break up and get the closure that you need.

Opportunity to Find Someone Better

Why stay with someone who treats you badly? The world is your oyster! Don’t let one person get in the way of your happiness. You deserve someone better, a relationship where you are loved, respected, and treated like you matter.

Then again, breakups aren’t as simple as we like them to be. They can feel like you’re solving a puzzle, not knowing one piece is missing, and you’re left to fix an unfixable situation, confused and abused.

Parenting coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., concluded that the difficulty in a break of relationship stems from personal beliefs. To him, people struggle with breakups because of how hard they are on themselves.

This comes in many shapes and forms, which create a mindset that makes discussing the breakup almost impossible.

Despite their dire situation, they often choose to stay in their toxic relationship because of these reasons:

Fear of Loneliness

Mother Teresa once said, "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." You can say that many who are stuck in negative relationships agree with this.

We all wish to share our lives with our significant others, and leaving them means we lose that emotional need. Many tolerate toxic behaviors from their partners because they don’t know how to get through a breakup alone.

They prefer the overwhelming emotional turmoil rather than the uncertainty of going out and finding a healthier environment, which could be too much of a gamble.

This is especially true for men because of the recent male loneliness epidemic sweeping the planet. As men feel lonelier and lonelier each day, staying in toxic cycles becomes more prevalent.

Low Self-Esteem

“Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?”

“Because we accept the love we think we deserve.”

This exchange in The Perks of Being a Wallflower shows a big reason for long-term unhealthy relationships: our chosen relationships are directly related to our self-worth.

People struggling with self-worth overlook negative behavior because they don’t think they deserve a healthier situation. They often feel like they won’t find anyone better, so they just let the negative cycle continue.

Codependency

“Why can’t I feel happy without my ex?”

Sometimes, relationships take over our lives, and our partners become obsessive. They begin depending on each other, whether it's material or emotional.

Codependency can cause one to ignore their needs in favor of satisfying or validating their partner. This self-neglect forces them to continue with the relationship, even if it’s gotten volatile.

Couples might feel a certain guilt about leaving their dependent partner, putting a cape on themselves, and playing the role of the rescuer. They begin to feel responsible for their behaviors and emotions.

Wasted Potential

An article posted on the University of Hampshire mentions that the breakup is not only a loss of a relationship, but of plans, dreams, and hopes you shared with your partner.

This stalls breakups because some couples don’t want to destroy a “good thing." They stick it out because of the belief that everything will be better when they reach their goals.

However, you end up ignoring the telltale signs that the partnership has become unstable. Once they pop up again, arguments continue, and the negative cycle returns.

There are many more factors not mentioned above, but you must overcome them nonetheless. Cut yourself some slack, and be aware of what you really need.

A couple holding hands and not letting go of each other while looking away.

Knowing how to get through a breakup is an important part of relationships.

Preparing for the Inevitable

Once you’re fully convinced, it’s time to initiate the plan. But where do you start?

First, Ask Yourself, “Why?”

Reflect on the relationship first, and figure out your side of the breakup. Do you think it’s reasonable?

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Would you accept that reason? If the answer is yes, accept it and stay firm.

Seek Support

Still unsure? Get a second opinion, then.

Ask your closest friends and family members for their opinion. Get ideas from outside the relationship to prevent bias for a more reasonable explanation.

Plan Out the Day, Place, and Method

You may overlook this detail, but the day and venue of the breakup can be a big factor in its success.

Avoid special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays like Valentine’s or Christmas. These days are supposed to be happy celebrations, and a breakup can ruin that.

Furthermore, pick an intimate location where you both can privately talk about your relationship face-to-face. Don’t be a coward by resorting to breaking up on text.

Prepare for the Emotions

As mentioned, your partner may not take this news well, so be prepared for them to complain, repeatedly apologize, and in more extreme circumstances, have a fit.

When they bring up their side of the breakup, listen attentively and only respond with the right things. If they start belittling you or getting mad, wait for them to calm down before responding. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you.

Empathize with Your Partner

Your partner’s feelings matter. It’s easy to write them off or ignore what they say, but you also had a part in that. Listen attentively to what they are saying, and empathize with them.

Actively listening to your partner will give you an idea of what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. Knowing this is important when you decide to start dating other people.

They may try to rekindle what was lost, but they aren’t the only ones making decisions. Is there still hope? That’s up to you to decide.

******

Yes, there are disadvantages to taking a break in a relationship, but it may be exactly what you need. When the relationship starts bringing you more pain than joy, it's time to start planning for the breakup.

Staying when you’re being disrespected can really affect your sense of self, and leaving can be the only antidote. Don’t hesitate, and understand that you deserve to be treated better.

References:

“Break Ups: How to Help Yourself Move On.” n.d. University of New Hampshire. Accessed May 27, 2025. https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move.

Lisitsa, Ellie. 2024. “The Gottman Four Horsemen.” The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.

Bernstein, Jeffrey. 2023. “10 Reasons Why Breaking Up Is So Hard to Do.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202302/10-reasons-why-breaking-up-is-so-hard-to-do.