Should We Break Up? | 8 Questions Before Calling It Quits
If you can’t agree on fundamental things in your relationship, then maybe the real question is, "Should we break up?"
“Should we break up?”
It's a question that haunts many relationships, whether whispered in quiet moments or shouted during heated arguments.
It’s a terrifying thought that’s influenced by your dreams for the future, shared history, and that agonizing realization that something may be seriously amiss.
Deciding to end a relationship is rarely easy, especially when love is still present or when the comfort of familiarity outweighs the discomfort of underlying issues.
Before you make that life-changing decision, however, it’s crucial to take a pause. This isn’t a moment for impulse but for thoughtful introspection.
This checklist is designed to guide you through the essential questions you need to ask yourself — and perhaps your partner — before you truly call it quits.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide to Break Up
The initial stages of a breakup often include asking yourself if the relationship is still worth the fight.
With these questions, you can dig deep into the heart of your problems and find the right path forward:
#1 “Am I truly happy in this relationship?”
Relationships are complex and full of turning points. It’s easy to become frustrated or angry in the heat of the moment and consider ending things.
By asking yourself this question, you are compelled to consider your relationship's overall emotional state and look beyond current circumstances.
Are you generally happy, supported, and content, or do you feel depressed, anxious, or resentful most of the time?
If the answer is "no" or even "not really," consider the reasons why. This makes it easier for you to discern between problems that can be solved and more complex, long-standing issues between you and your partner.
#2 “Do I feel like I can be my authentic self?”
Authenticity is being true to yourself and being who you are at your core, according to life coach Urvi Shah in her article "How To Be Authentic and Open To Get What You Want In A Relationship."
The amazing thing about authenticity is that once you recognize it, you can navigate life and most relationships with ease. You’re able to have honest discussions about your desires and know exactly who you want to be with.
No matter how much you may care for your partner, if your answer to this question is "No," it's a clear sign that your relationship isn't working.
You should put yourself first and look for a relationship where you are genuinely appreciated, welcomed, and seen for who you are.
#3 “Am I growing as a person in this relationship?”
Relationships, at their best, serve as catalysts for personal growth and self-actualization. If a relationship is impeding or slowing your growth, it's a huge red flag.
Resentment can develop when you feel stuck, uninspired, or unable to pursue your personal goals within a relationship. This often takes the form of feeling like you're being held back or that you're giving up too much for the relationship, which eventually leaves you feeling deeply unhappy and dissatisfied. Your partner may also be unwittingly fueling your stagnation.
Asking this question honestly helps you avoid the regret of staying in a situation that ultimately stifles your potential and prolongs the grieving process of a breakup.
#4 “Do we communicate effectively?”
Whether or not you’re actually able to ask the question “Should we break up?” is something that you also have to consider.
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Its presence (or absence) has a significant impact on all other aspects of your dynamic.
If you can't communicate, how will your partner know what you need, and vice versa?
Effective communication is necessary for expressing expectations, boundaries, and preferences. If these are not clearly communicated, needs go unmet, resulting in frustration, disappointment, and a sense of being undervalued.
Most importantly, it is very difficult to resolve any issues in a relationship if you are unable to communicate with each other about important matters. This means that ending the relationship is most likely the best course of action.
The first step in learning how to break up with your girlfriend is often preparing yourself mentally for the conversation.
#5 “How do we handle conflict?”
No two people are in complete agreement on everything. It’s natural to have differing opinions, preferences, and communication styles. As a result, disagreements are inevitable.
The question now is whether you can both manage them constructively.
Do you respect one another even when you're angry? Do you avoid name-calling, insults, and put-downs? Do you make an effort to de-escalate, apologize, or reconnect after a heated discussion?
Your relationship may be unhealthy and unlikely to last if your patterns are continuously destructive and negative. It’s even worse if neither party is willing to change for the better.
#6 “Are our values and long-term goals aligned?”
This question pertains to your overall compatibility and the direction of your lives. While initial attraction and shared interests may bring you two together, aligned values and long-term goals are the foundation of a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
Do you both want to get married? Do you both want to have children, and if so, when and how many? What are your career aspirations?
One or both of you will eventually feel as though you are giving up your dreams if your long-term objectives are out of sync. This will eventually cause a great deal of regret and discontent.
#7 “Am I still in love with this person?”
Love is often the emotional glue that holds a romantic relationship together.
There may no longer be a fundamental reason to be in a romantic relationship if that sense of love has diminished, faded, or changed into something else (such as platonic affection, comfort, or mere familiarity).
If you're no longer in love with your partner, it's not fair to keep leading them on, especially if they're still deeply in love with you.
If they stay in a relationship where romantic love is not reciprocated, they may never find someone who genuinely feels the same way about them. When the truth eventually comes out, they will feel betrayed or hurt.
#8 “Am I staying because of my fears?”
Trying to figure out how to break up with your girlfriend can be terrifying. Fear can be an incredibly powerful, yet often subconscious, motivator that keeps you trapped in an unfulfilling relationship.
Consider the following: Do you fear being by yourself without a partner? Do you fear change? Does the thought of causing them pain scare you? Do you feel like breaking up with them is a personal failure?
When fear drives your decisions, it often overshadows your genuine feelings about the relationship and your own needs. Instead of letting your anxieties control you, empower yourself to make thoughtful decisions based on your actual desires and well-being.
You may find yourself scrolling through social media, seeing a photo of a former flame, and muttering, "Ugh, I hate my ex." What if that familiar feeling of frustration, even resentment, is beginning to creep into your current relationship?
What if the person you're currently with is making you question everything, leaving you constantly wondering, "Should we break up?"
It's a painful admission that your relationship could be in serious trouble.
Before you make the monumental decision to end things, let these questions usher you into a journey of self-reflection.
This isn't about saving every relationship; it's about understanding the real status of yours and ensuring that any breakup, if it occurs, is a well-thought-out step toward a better future for both of you.
Reference:
Shah, U. (2024). Getting What You Want In A Relationship Through Authenticity. Mywellbeing.com. https://mywellbeing.com/therapy-101/how-to-be-authentic-in-a-relationship