Getting Stood Up: Why It Happens and How to Deal with It

Man waiting for his date in a restaurant

“How’d your date go?”

“I got stood up.”

Ouch.

Getting stood up sucks. Things between you ended before they even began, and without warning at that.

It’s awful to wonder why your date didn’t appear. Worse, they didn’t even bother to send a text to explain why they bailed.

This experience isn’t the easiest to move on from. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Hopefully, this article can help you make sense of the situation and bounce back from it.

Why Do People Stand Up Their Dates?

Being stood up doesn’t just mean your date didn’t show up. It could also mean they left you hanging, failing to return from a bathroom break, or they canceled at the last minute.

At first glance, anyone can tell that it’s disrespectful. But why do some people do so anyway?

There’s no universal answer to this. Sometimes, dumpers get cold feet and don’t have the guts to tell you. Or, believe it or not, they unintentionally ghost their matches. They oversleep or run way too late.

But other reasons can stem from their dismissive or displaced personalities.

People with dismissive personalities leave their dates hanging because they’re scared of making poor decisions. They don’t have enough emotional trust in themselves.

Those with displaced personalities ghost their dates because of their fear of abandonment, insecurities, and incessant need for reassurance. If they’re meeting in person with someone they’ve been talking to online for a while, they feel anxious because they can’t hide behind their screens.

What Happens If You Get Stood Up?

Once you come to terms with getting stood up, you feel immediate hurt. You mustered up the courage to meet that someone and made the effort to look your best, yet they left you hanging without a word.

Embarrassment soon follows. It feels like presenting something at work, only to realize there’s a huge stain on your pants. It’s mortifying. And you feel ashamed at the thought of telling your friends about what happened.

Given the emotional aftermath, is being stood up forgivable?

It depends on three things:

For example, it might be forgivable if your date stood you up because of an emergency. They had a good reason, apologized for it, and asked for a second chance.

Otherwise, if they have a weak excuse, ghosting is already a pattern of behavior, or you can’t find it in you to justify forgiveness, it’s alright not to do so until you feel ready.

What Should You Do If You Got Stood Up on a Date?

Dust off the rejection and get back on your feet with these tips:

#1: Don’t hold it against you.

It’s okay to feel unworthy or insecure. It’s hard not to take this rejection personally, after all. But their actions are not an indictment of you. Whatever caused them to ghost you is their problem to solve. This says more about them than it does about you.

#2: Grieve.

Mourn the disappearing act. It’s not petty of you to dwell on it for some time.

#3: Make the most of the day (or night).

As mentioned, you shouldn’t let yourself fall for self-blame. What should you do instead? Think of a funny response to being stood up. Perhaps this is the time when you dramatically look at the restaurant window, as if you’re in a music video.

Or, take it as an opportunity. You look great, so why go home in vain and waste your effort? Call a friend and ask them to meet up. If that’s not an option, take yourself out on a solo date. This can soften the blow of getting stood up, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve taken care of yourself.

Putting yourself out there on the dating scene again is hard, especially with the fear of getting stood up on a date. But don’t let it paralyze you.

Not everyone is like your dumpee. There are good and even better people out there. So, open yourself up in the hopes of finding that kind of person. Date again.

Frequently Asked Questions

The general etiquette is to wait 15 to 20 minutes. Send a polite check-in text around the 10-minute mark. If you receive no response after 20 minutes, you are within your rights to leave and get on with your day.

You can send one brief, dignified text to confirm they aren't coming or to express disappointment. However, do not demand an explanation or send angry paragraphs. If they haven't contacted you, their silence is an answer in itself. Prioritize your peace.

First, do not internalize the rejection; it is not your fault. Pivot your plans so the effort you put into getting ready isn't wasted. Call a friend to join you, or treat yourself to a nice solo date. Enjoy the venue on your own terms.

Forgiveness is reasonable only if they had a verifiable emergency, apologized sincerely, and attempted to reschedule immediately. If they offer a weak excuse, blame you, or have a history of flaking, it is best to cut ties and move on.

It is an acute, more severe form of ghosting. While standard ghosting usually refers to ceasing digital communication, being stood up involves breaking a specific physical commitment without warning. It is considered highly disrespectful because it disregards the time and effort you invested to meet them in person.

Reference

Ellis, Sarah. 2019. “Psych Experts Explain Why Some People Stand Up Their Dates & It's Infuriating.” Elite Daily. https://www.elitedaily.com/p/why-do-people-stand-up-their-dates-psych-experts-explain-its-infuriating-17907178.