Why Do People Idolize Their Partners? Idealization Examined
Why do people idolize their partners? Learn the hows and whys of idealization.
“When we idealize the real, we submit to artistic fancy.”
—Henry Fuseli
Love is an awesome thing. It can make you feel like you can do anything. Just thinking of the person you love can brighten your days. The most impossible tasks become doable. With love in your heart, the world is your oyster.
That may sound dramatic, but most people, at some point, have felt this way. This is why happy, loving couples in films and literature are so popular. Even among the jaded populace, there’s room for recognizing passion, romance, and even a touch of idolization.
Yet reality has proven that no one is perfect. So why do people idolize their partners? More importantly, is there something wrong with it?
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
The Chemistry of Love Can Hinder Critical Thinking
Idolizing one’s partner is common and understandable. It comes with the initial rush of infatuation.
Following a new relationship, your brain floods itself with feel-good chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine.
According to the article “Love and the Brain” authored by science writer Scott Edwards, and published on the Harvard Medical School publications archive, “Love also deactivates the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions, such as fear and social judgment.”
This explains why, when people are in love, they tend to see their partners through rose-colored glasses.
Love Can Make You Put Your Partner on a Pedestal
It’s not easy finding someone special, let alone getting them to give you a chance. But when you do meet someone you click with, don’t you just want to tell the world how wonderful she is?
Men, in particular, tend to do this. It’s as though their romantic sides are finally given the chance to shine. Men like these tend to find the question “Why do people idolize their partners?” easy to answer.
Mutual appeal
A lot of women out there are beautiful, but attraction is personal and subjective. Just because a woman is beautiful doesn’t mean a man would automatically want to be in a relationship with her.
But if a man finds a woman’s beauty so appealing that just looking at her gives him that feel-good rush, that’s something else. He might meet more objectively attractive women, and he’d still think about his special lady’s smile or the way she flips her hair as the standard.
Compatible values
Being attracted to someone is one thing, being able to get along with them is another. Having shared values makes the goal of living life together easier to achieve and maintain.
Finding not just a date or a lover but a partner is worthwhile. Some people think of it as a great accomplishment, while others good fortune. Either way, a partner is a positive addition to one’s life.
Intimacy
They say familiarity breeds contempt, but there’s a flipside to that. A man who gets to know a woman personally also becomes aware of just how amazing a person she really is.
He learns of the struggles she’s overcome, the talents she hones and shares, and about the joys she freely gives others.
To so many men, well, people, actually, the question isn’t, Why do people idolize their partners. It’s, Why don’t they?
Is Idealizing Your Partner Bad?
No, not inherently. It's natural. But, like many natural things, it can go bad.
While it’s normal to idolize your partner, especially while you’re still in the honeymoon stage, there comes a time when reality sinks in and you have to let it.
It’s bad when it sets unrealistic expectations
If you keep believing that your partner is the perfect person you think them to be, you may be missing out on who they really are. You’re also setting yourself up for disillusionment.
They may also feel suffocated by your idealized version of them and feel as though they’re not free to just be themselves.
For those who may be in long-distance relationships or who have just met a lovely foreign lady who makes your heart race, the temptation to elevate your partner to a pedestal may be stronger.
If you’re not always together, it’s easy not to see their flaws.
To minimize unrealistic expectations, communicate with each other. Even if you are together, it’s communication that allows you to grow closer and get to know each other on a realistic level.
For those wondering how to start a conversation with your girlfriend, asking her what she’d love to share about her culture is a great idea.
It’s bad if you rely only on them for validation
Your sense of self-worth has to come from more than your romantic relationship. Idealizing your partner can foster this unhealthy dynamic where your happiness depends on their approval of you. You’ll slowly lose your sense of self.
Your partner may want what’s best for you, but codependency can also hinder honest connection. They’ll worry too much about how you’ll take their genuine opinions.
Make sure that you have more in your life than just your romantic relationship. Nurture other healthy connections with friends and family. Pursue your interests.
It’s bad when you ignore red flags
Sometimes, wanting to believe in the best of someone can blind you to the fact that they’re the worst for you.
Speak to a woman about these things, and she’ll likely tell you of a time when she was fooled by someone’s seemingly kind demeanor, only to find out later on that the other person didn’t care about her at all.
But women aren’t the only ones who can experience such toxicity.
You can avoid missing the red flags by acknowledging that you are idealizing your partner. That way, you’re aware of your own bias.
Educate yourself about certain unacceptable behaviors. Some red flags aren’t subjective. They’re warning signs of a toxic or even abusive individual.
Know your own values and set boundaries. Consistently enforce those. And be prepared to walk away when necessary.
When Is Idealization Okay?
How to talk to women? Read on and you may just learn.
So why do people idolize their partners if it brings so much negativity?
They do so because, as previously mentioned, idealization is natural. It’s even healthy and can benefit long-term relationships way beyond the fading of the original infatuation.
Couples in healthy relationships see the good in each other not because of their feelings. They have feelings for each other because they see the good, and this even after experiencing each other’s flaws firsthand.
How can idealization help you and your partner? Well, for one thing, it helps you support each other through tough times.
Since idealization strengthens mutual respect, it also makes you far less critical. When you do criticize, it’s constructive and compassionate.
You’re not just a man who knows how to talk to a woman, you’re someone who knows how to talk to his partner. You know just how to approach her when she’s feeling down, so that your genuine support doesn’t come across as condescending, and your constructive criticism can be of actual use to her.
Idealization also bolsters your mutual happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.
After all, what better feeling could there be than knowing you’re with the right person and they think the same way about you?
They don’t have to be perfect. Just perfect for you.
Reference
Edwards, Scott. 2015. “Love and the Brain.” Harvard Medical School. https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain.
Mendoza-Denton, Rodolfo. 2012. “How to Idealize Your Spouse without Being a Fool.” Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_idealize_your_spouse_without_being_a_fool.