What You Should Know Before Breaking Up with a Narcissist
Breakups are difficult enough by themselves. You're grieving your loss while also trying to continue your disrupted routine. Add a narcissist to the equation, and it becomes a more complicated, dramatic, and emotionally taxing affair.
Breaking up with a narcissist takes another level of strength. So, here’s what you need to know before pulling that plug.
Defining a Narcissist
Most of us know our fair share of narcissists, some of whom may be our loved ones.
They’re full of themselves, lack empathy, and constantly need attention. They carry themselves with a confident and charming facade to fool and manipulate people.
Are narcissists evil? The answer is no. Their behavior, however, is problematic.
According to Duke Health, their environment has conditioned them to think they’re special and deserve better treatment. With this, they have trouble with constructive criticism and accountability. In their eyes, they believe they can do no wrong.
Stages of Breaking Up with a Narcissist
A narcissistic relationship usually feels like a rollercoaster ride. When you thought you’d escaped the abuse, the narcissist comes along and pulls you back in. The ride can leave you feeling lost or numb.
An awareness of how your breakup is supposed to progress can help you have better control over your emotions and actions.
#1: The Wake-up Call
Every breakup starts with a realization that you’re mourning someone who didn’t exist. Why? Narcissism creates a dichotomy. There’s the (seemingly) caring front, and their true, toxic self.
Watching your partner make this switch can cause emotional whiplash. You may not have seen it coming, or you’re overwhelmed by the whole thing. You realize the person you were with built an entire lie, and you’re left shocked.
#2: The Preparation
Once you mention a breakup, a narcissist will attempt to draw you back into the relationship. In some cases, they take matters to the extreme. With this, you need to prepare yourself for their response.
Narrow down your reasons.
A narcissist will gaslight you. Don’t give them ammo by giving flimsy reasons. Instead, build a stronger case by making your reasons clear and straight to the point. More importantly, strongly believe in them.
Have a plan (and multiple back-ups).
After your split, odds are, the narcissist will want to get even. Make contingency plans (yes, in plural) along with your main exit strategy to better protect yourself.
Document evidence of their abuse, whether verbal, physical, or emotional. Get your finances and housing situation in order. And seek legal advice if necessary.
#3: The Breakup
Don’t approach this breakup like any other split. Since you’re dealing with manipulative behavior, you should do your homework and brace yourself for extra challenges.
Here’s how to break up with a narcissist, male or female:
Don’t say much.
Don’t know what to say when breaking up with a narcissist? Well, you’re in luck because you shouldn’t say much in the first place.
It’s tempting to curse them out or explain your side. But try to hold back. A narcissist will remember your last words and likely use them against you. Keep your goodbye short and straightforward.
Go no-contact
Don’t give them any more opportunity to manipulate you. Block them everywhere, whether on social media or email. Also, ignore their attempts to get your attention in person.
#4: The Blowback
Seeing as they can’t take any form of criticism well, a narcissist will take a breakup as a slight against them. They only care about what happens to them and disregard the actual reason for the split.
These are some of the reactions a narcissist might have when you call it quits:
They fight it.
Given their nature, a narcissist will refuse to see why you’re dumping them. They’ll try to argue the decision, saying that they won’t accept it. If not, they will appeal to your emotions and ask you to reconsider because they think it’s ridiculous.
They turn the tables.
A narcissist will play the blame game when things don’t go their way. They will point their finger at you for the relationship’s failure. They’d rather keep their facade going and leverage it than face reality.
They guilt-trip.
Consider this one of the many tricks in a narcissist’s book. They use guilt to hold on to whatever control they have to keep you under their thumb.
They make false promises.
Another way a narcissist will appeal to your emotions is through dramatic declarations. They stage an effort to convince you not to leave, but they know deep down they can’t keep up.
Contrary to misconceptions, narcissists are aware of their behavior. Research on the how and why of narcissism states that people who pursue status are likely to be more vigilant.
But with that awareness comes their desire for control, acknowledgement, and a sense of entitlement. For example, narcissists closely monitor their own and others’ cues and social image to know the extent of what they can gain, maintain, or lose in their pursuit.
They get revenge.
If all else fails, a narcissist will give in to their anger and seek vengeance. They can’t accept a loss like a breakup, so they want you to feel just as miserable as they are. They don’t care about the consequences as long as they fulfill their sick and twisted missions.
#5: The Maintenance
It will take everything in you to avoid relapsing back into the relationship. Here’s how to stick to your decision:
Have a strong support system.
Isolation is a narcissist’s best friend. They will try to ice you out from others so they can continue their manipulation undetected.
Surround yourself with loved ones who are unconditionally in your corner.
Get rid of everything reminding you of the relationship.
The last thing a narcissist wants is to be ignored and forgotten. Don’t give them ego boosts by keeping any mementos of your relationship. Instead, purge all those reminders and don’t look back. Do this as soon as possible to avoid walking down memory lane.
Ask for professional help.
Licensed therapists have the knowledge and expertise to help you process your whole ordeal. If you need extra help, you can always reach out to them as you try to make sense of everything.
Recovery After a Breakup with a Narcissist
Due to the toxicity, bouncing back from this split is a different story from other breakups. Acknowledging this abuse isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary first step.
With that recognition comes another difficult pill to swallow: that the narcissist will likely never change. They’re never big on accountability, so don’t expect them to go on an apology tour for their behavior.
From there, focus on yourself and leave them in the rearview mirror. There’s nothing to look back at anymore. Do whatever you need to do to get back on your feet.
What to Do When a Narcissist Breaks up with You
What if the narcissist is the one ending things?
While you’re allowed to feel sad about that breakup, don’t lament that loss for too long. When you find yourself wanting to send a text to the person who broke up with you, think back on your reasons for the split.
“We is me” is a narcissist's cardinal rule, and you don’t deserve to deal with such a self-absorbed being. You’re now free from someone who didn’t show up for you and your relationship; let it remain that way.
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Breaking up with a narcissist means getting away from delusion. You won’t miss somebody who wasn’t even real in the first place.
References
Biggers, Larissa. 2022. “9 Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Duke Health. https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder.
Grapsas, Stathis, Eddie Brummelman, Jaap Denissen, and Mitja Back. 2019. “The “Why” and “How” of Narcissism: A Process Model of Narcissistic Status Pursuit.” Perspectives on Psychological Science 15, no. 1 (December): 150-172. https://doi.org/10.1177/174569161987335.