Flirting vs Harassment: How Attraction Really Works


A man and woman talking at the door, depicting flirting vs harassment

It’s important to know what flirting vs harassment is when attracting a potential partner.

How does one flirt and when is it considered too much?

This question brings to mind the popular “flirting vs harassment” meme, which mocks an implied double standard among women when they are complimented by men. While mostly played for laughs, you have to admit it also judges how men approach women nowadays.

It’s fairly common for men to find themselves in awkward situations with their attempts to flirt not working. Sometimes, they refuse to talk to women in fear of getting “cancelled” or accused of harassment.

This can happen anywhere, with many men not knowing how to talk to a lady online, much less face to face. Flirting ends up feeling like a minefield, where a single wrong step can lead to a blown opportunity.

So how can a man flirt successfully? And how can he ensure he isn’t overstepping any boundaries? The key is to know when you are flirting as opposed to when you are harassing someone.


What Is Flirting vs Harassment?

Sylvia Smith, a relationship advice and pre-marriage author, clarifies that harassment makes people uncomfortable, whereas flirting is a back-and-forth of positive words, gestures, and remarks.

In her article, “Flirting vs. Sexual Harassment: 5 Key Differences & Ways to Deal”, she defines "flirting" as a social behavior consisting of subtle interactions to express romantic interest towards someone.

Flirting examples include eye-contact, smiling, light touching, and positive verbal communication.

On the other hand, harassment expresses desire through unwanted and unwelcome actions, often of a sexual nature.

In verbal communication, these include catcalls, sexual innuendos, and making unwelcome comments about a person’s body or her romantic relationships.

Furthermore, she mentions the following factors as key determinants of flirting vs harassment:

  • Intensity.

    Flirting is relatively harmless, while harassment involves aggressive actions like swearing and forcing someone to pay attention to you.

  • Reciprocity.

    If someone appreciates being flirted with, they will often flirt back. With harassment, one party is desperately trying to get the other’s attention in whatever way they can, to the point of inconveniencing or even harming the other party.

  • Consent.

    Sylvia Smith implied this in reciprocity as well. Both parties must willingly join in the banter for it to be considered flirting. Harassment usually includes one-sided conversations initiated and maintained by a pursuer.


Simply put, "flirting" recognizes personal boundaries and societal norms. Learning to balance respect and playfulness increases your chances of successful flirtation.


A man and woman are good flirting examples as they sit across from each other talking

Great flirting examples include a positive environment.


Flirting 101

Sanjana Gupta, a health writer and editor, shared her own ideas to successful flirting in her article “15 Tips for Better Flirting, According to Relationship Experts”.

The tips include being respectful, authentic, and being able to playfully tease someone. When you look closely, they’re mostly behaviors that ensure the mutual comfort and enjoyment of the people involved.

They’re pretty basic, but that’s the trick, isn’t it? They may seem simple, but in actual practice, you might feel a little out of your depth.


Tips for Proper Flirting

  • Hold her gaze

    Keeping eye contact with someone shows them that they have your full attention. This encourages a woman to talk more since you are actively listening and are curious about what she has to say.

    Of course, you have to keep things natural. Don’t pretend to be paying attention by maintaining eye contact. Instead, genuinely pay attention, and the way you look at her will be sincere.

  • Break the ice with jokes

    Humor is subjective, but a sense of levity is infectious. Using witty remarks or pick-up lines can portray you as a fun-loving guy.

    If your jokes hit, you may end up in a back-and-forth to see who’s funnier. If you genuinely find her jokes funny, don’t be shy and laugh. It lightens the atmosphere between you two and puts you in a good mood. You’ll both enjoy each other’s company.

  • Discover common experiences or interests

    Shared interests can be a source of good questions to ask a girl you like. She will be eager to talk to you more.

    If she responds with her own set of questions, be honest and respectful about your opinions on them. Even if you find yourself disagreeing with her on certain points, that doesn’t mean you have to be argumentative.

    At least you know if you have enough in common to pursue something more. If not, then you can have an interesting conversation with someone who shares your interests.

  • Look, don’t touch

    No matter how approachable a woman may seem, don’t assume you can touch her. Spend more time in each other’s presence first until physical proximity just feels like a natural extension of your rapport.

    But what does it mean when a woman is extremely touchy, you may ask? Usually, this means she’s comfortable around you. If she’s bantering with you as well, it’s a great sign that she’s acknowledging your flirting attempts.

    Still, be careful to keep your touches appropriate. Other than showing her you’re a respectful gentleman, you’re also keeping your boundaries firm in a polite way.


Harassing Behaviors You Should Avoid


A woman being cat called by two men who are in “flirt not working” mode

These traits may be the reason why you have many attempts to flirt not working.

Now that we know a few things about flirting with a woman, let’s break down what may constitute harassment or overstepping boundaries.

  • Negging

    Contrary to what people may tell you, insulting or undermining someone is not flirting. Negging is an emotional manipulation technique with the intent of fooling someone into doubting their self-worth.

    Negging is a red flag that warns healthy, self-aware women to stay away. It’s bullying, and no one has time for that.

    You know what works? Treating her in a way that makes her feel good about herself. Showing her the respect she deserves.

    You’d want to be treated the same way too.

  • Sexist or offensive comments

    One of the key differences of flirting vs harassment is the use of derogatory language. Flirting must always come from a place of kindness, and negativity can easily break the cycle.

    When joking, be wary of controversial topics like race, health, and even politics, as this can rub the person the wrong way. Instead, think of witty and relatable remarks that almost anyone can giggle at.

  • Being too touchy

    Be mindful of your actions so that you don’t get a bit carried away and end up touching her when she is not comfortable with it. It's important to respect physical boundaries.

    If you have trouble reading social cues or you’re not familiar with certain cultural norms, remember: keeping your hands to yourself until she gives you her explicit consent to be closer is a safe rule to follow.

  • Forcing her into staying

    Flirting is always a two-way street, so she can always say no to any of your advances. If she refuses to talk to you, leave her be and walk away.

    You should always value her consent. Conversations where someone is forced to talk are never productive, and forcing her into an uncomfortable situation makes you look bad.

    • *****

    Flirting vs harassment comes down to how the conversation was initiated. Harassment is, at all times, unwelcome and one-sided. It disregards the rights and choices of one person merely for the wants of another.

    That is not flirting, which is healthy, consensual, and emphasizes building a connection together. It is important to differentiate those for better chances of attraction.


    References:

    Gupta, Sanjana. 2023. “15 Flirting Tips, According to Relationship Experts.” Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/15-flirting-tips-according-to-relationship-experts-7693628.

    Smith, Sylvia. 2023. “Flirting vs. Sexual Harassment: 5 Key Differences & Ways to Deal.” Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/flirting-sexual-harassment/.