You Seem Familiar | Why We Gravitate Towards People Like Us

Have you ever asked yourself why we gravitate towards people like us?

Types exist. Some people date folks considerably taller than them, while others go for shorter matches. The examples go on and on. And we’re sure you have your type too.

While that’s a real phenomenon, another belief is just as valid:

We like those who are alike.

Similar qualities or attributes often draw daters to each other. And these cases aren’t coincidental or isolated. Here’s why we gravitate towards people like us.

What Causes Attraction?

Before we get to our attraction to similarities, let’s answer these questions:

Why does attraction happen in the first place? What draws us to certain people?

According to Penn State assistant teaching professor Jennifer Croyle, these are the variables that influence us:

Proximity

Many find their romantic partners by stumbling upon them. This is where proximity comes in. It lets people know those within their surroundings, including their similarities. So don’t be surprised when men talk to women from their immediate area and vice versa.

This closeness doesn’t stop at geographic distance. Croyle says proximity also extends to functional distance. This refers to the frequency with which we encounter others. For instance, a specific team in a workplace is more likely to form close bonds because they’re in the same department and cross paths regularly.

Familiarity

Proximity establishes familiarity. The more exposure someone has to a specific thing, the more comfortable they’ll feel around it. In the case of dating and relationships, frequent exposure to someone increases your likelihood of attraction to that person.

Similarity

You may have heard of the saying, “Opposites attract.”

Two matches may have some contrasting qualities. But those are the reasons for their connection in the first place. So, just as stereotypically handsome men have a good chance of winning the hearts of conventionally pretty women, so do unconventionally attractive men.

This saying holds true, but it doesn’t always apply. In fact, it only happens rarely.

People often choose matches who align with their interests and traits. According to Daffin and Lane (2021), this common ground helps ease uncertainty in social situations and adds to people’s understanding.

The similarity can also feel validating because other people have arrived at similar conclusions as we have. And who wouldn’t like that?

Reciprocity

And lastly, we can’t leave out this element. It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who isn’t as friendly as you are. Since relationships are all about equal give and take, there’s no sense in being with somebody who won’t meet you halfway.

You attract what you are, so don’t be surprised by the similarities.

Introducing the Similarity-Attraction Theory

Research supports the notion of liking somebody like you. The similarity-attraction theory is among them.

Psychologist Theodore Newcomb first described it in the 1960s. He noted that college roommates with similar attitudes and values were likely to form close friendships.

But that’s not entirely why we gravitate towards people like us.

Boston University assistant professor Charles Chu tested the theory. He discovered that people like those like them, not solely for the similarities but for what they imply—a shared essence. When someone believes that that essence drives their interests, they assume others do, too.

You Attract What You Are, But Keep Your Mind Open

“Like attracts like” has merit. But here’s a sobering reminder: people are more complex than they let on. Just because you and a match have a few commonalities doesn’t guarantee an endgame.

Quick judgments will get you nowhere but disappointment. While common ground is important (especially when it concerns values), there will be differences. And that’s okay!

And yes, proximity and familiarity affect attraction. But modern dating has changed the game.

Before technology entered the scene, daters were limited to their immediate circles or geographical boundaries. Nowadays, anyone can find anybody from around the world on a dating app.

The point is, just because you’re near somebody doesn’t mean you’ll like them off the bat. First impressions are impactful for a reason. What if your first brush with them was bad? The proximity may even worsen that.

Open Your Heart Anyway

The disclaimers aside, being attracted to somebody like you isn’t so bad.

First, spending time with somebody who has plenty in common with you is great. Since you share mutual interests, you’ll have things to talk about and bond over. The more that happens, the more you build a connection.

Second, the validation (which we hinted at earlier) you get by being with someone similar gives certainty and security. Let’s say people think you have a peculiar musical taste, but you meet somebody who enjoys similar stuff. Encountering that person shows you’re not alone and that there’s hope for you out there.

And lastly, you grow as a person. That’s not to say it won’t happen when you fall under the “opposites attract” umbrella. The differences may bring new information and experiences, but research says growth is more likely to happen between matches with many similarities.

Make Your Move

When you meet someone and think you’re a lot alike, don’t just stand there and wait for fate to make its move. There’s no other way to learn how to talk to that beautiful or handsome stranger (or acquaintance) than by approaching them yourself.

Say your hellos and be on your best behavior. Be confident, but don’t push yourself to be someone you’re not just to get their attention.

Since you already have shared interests, you won’t run out of things to talk about. Your conversations will be more free-flowing and natural, so don’t try to shoehorn anything inorganic. Your match will easily see right through you if you do.

If there are small differences, don’t try to force yourself to change for the sake of alignment. You don’t need to be carbon copies of one another. We promise you those contrasts will not ruin the chances of a good relationship. They may even be a good thing.

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Now that you know why we gravitate towards people like us, keep an open mind when it happens. Enjoy it for what it is. When you savor the experience, it’s likely to lead to a positive outcome.