Setting Boundaries in Dating is Non-Negotiable
Don’t skip on setting boundaries in dating.
Setting boundaries in dating makes you seem like a party pooper. Many say you should enjoy the flirting stage and just wing the serious topics as you progress.
But laying down ground rules early on is necessary.
We know that saying “no” can be scary and awkward. But if you want your connection to last, you should communicate your limits.
What Are Boundaries in Dating?
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves. They define what we’re comfortable with, what we’re unwilling to tolerate, our wants, and our needs. These include first-date rules, long-term plans, privacy, intimacy, and family. While they can change over time, they don’t expire.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries in Dating
Many have misconceptions about boundaries. They consider them selfish, controlling, or a means of pushing people away. They view them through a black-and-white lens, creating victors and losers. But here’s the reality: they bring two people together.
Builds Trust
You both have needs in and out of your relationship, so it’s great to hear each other out. And when you respect each other’s limits, it only goes to show you care about one another.
Reduces Misunderstandings
We all have a tendency to assume, whether that’s someone’s preferences or the course of a relationship. This can lead to misinterpretations and arguments.
Boundaries provide clarification. They ensure you understand what to expect from each other.
Promotes Self-Respect
Boundaries can serve as a protective barrier. They show the other person that you require better treatment and won’t allow any form of disregard for your needs or feelings. The more you assert them, the better you get at standing up for yourself.
Safeguards Mental Health
Some requests are unreasonable. Complying with them will only cause stress and burnout. Setting limits can prevent you from experiencing the emotional consequences of overcommitment or pressure.
Why Do We Struggle with Setting Boundaries?
In a piece for The Face, journalist Beth Ashley addresses why many of us struggle with boundaries. She explains that we don’t want to deal with the emotional consequences of standing our ground. “No” may be some people’s display of agency, while it’s others’ death sentence.
Ashley also says that we don’t want to cause rejection or seem like we’re telling off the other person. As a species, we have a natural tendency to act as peacemakers and people-pleasers. Sometimes, it’s to a fault.
And lastly, Ashley says that establishing boundaries triggers our codependency issues and fear of abandonment. We feel like we’re opening ourselves up to rejection, so we’d rather not say anything at all.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Menachem Psychotherapy Group states that healthy boundaries act as a guide for when to say “yes” or “no.” Moreover, they have set consequences.
Meanwhile, unhealthy boundaries are ill-defined, poorly enforced, and used for manipulation.
Unfortunately, in the height of emotions or out of self-satisfaction, it’s easy to say the latter. To help you avoid this, we’ve created a list of clear examples of healthy boundaries. You can refer to this whenever you’re confused or need inspiration.
How will your connection progress if you don’t know how to set boundaries?
Personal Space
Dating doesn’t mean kissing your personal space goodbye. Maintaining it allows you both to keep your sense of self and have a space to recharge.
- “I need quiet time for 30 minutes.”
- “I don’t appreciate you asking to meet me at this hour. Even if you insist on waiting, I won’t be able to come.”
Digital Privacy
Your phone is your property. Digital privacy means refraining from looking through each other’s devices and demanding account credentials. Respecting this kind of privacy will build up your trust levels.
- “Let’s not snoop at each other’s phones.”
- “I’d like to keep my social media account private.”
Career Support and Professional Independence
This means supporting each other’s professional endeavors while maintaining independent careers. Respect and encouragement go a long way in keeping your connection from being strained.
- “Thank you for the advice, but I’d like to handle this on my own.”
- “I’m aiming for a promotion, so I need to prioritize work in the meantime.”
Emotional Boundaries
The two of you have different needs. One must not invalidate the other’s feelings and avoid using guilt to get their way.
- “You don’t have to understand my hobbies. But I’d appreciate it if you don’t put me down for liking them.”
- “I’ve asked you not to bring up this topic. If you continue, I’ll need to step away from this conversation.”
How Do You Set Boundaries While Dating?
As mentioned, setting boundaries can be intimidating, especially if you’re worried about facing negative reactions. But since you can’t skip this conversation, you have no choice but to be honest. Here’s how to set boundaries while dating:
#1: Know what your boundaries are.
Before reaching out to the other person, know your needs, expectations, and non-negotiables. You can ask yourself these questions:
- What does respect look like to you?
- What hurts you or makes you uncomfortable?
- What hurt you in the past? How can you stop history from repeating itself?
- How much physical intimacy are you comfortable with?
- How much time are you willing to spend on dates?
- Do you want to be exclusive, or are you fine with them dating multiple people?
If you can’t immediately think of the answers, that’s okay. Boundaries form the more you get to know yourself.
#2: Start early.
Introducing boundaries is easier during the early stages of dating. Establishing them years later will be more difficult because you’ve already built routines around each other and made more emotional investments.
If you’re months into the dating stage, the good news is that it isn’t too late to set boundaries. If anything, it’s better to do it now rather than ignore it and fray each other’s nerves.
#3: Reach out.
No matter how awkward the conversation will be, you two should do it regardless. Think of it as an opportunity to understand each other better.
#4: Practice the 4 C’s of boundary-setting.
Clarity
Be specific, not vague. For example, if you want space, specifically state how much time apart you need.
Communication
Emphasize where you’re coming from without being accusatory. Try to use “I” statements.
Consistency
Dating is fun, but you shouldn’t let your guard down. Remove your rose-colored glasses and keep your eyes out for potential red flags. Reinforce your boundaries whenever necessary.
Courage
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you let disrespect slide, your boundaries lose their power. Similarly, don’t be afraid to ask difficult questions or hear difficult answers. It’s better to let them out than repress them.
How to Respect Boundaries
Learning boundaries is one thing. Respecting them is another. Meet each other’s needs by putting these tips into practice:
#1: Always show empathy.
Say the other person has a boundary related to a specific event in their life. You may not have experienced what they went through, but you may have felt those emotions in different circumstances.
#2: Observe their nonverbal cues.
Sometimes, people can’t verbally stand up for themselves when their boundaries are being violated. If their body language looks uncomfortable, then that’s a sign. Don’t wait for them to tell you they’re not okay.
#3: Don’t take boundaries personally.
Let’s paint a picture of a conversation about a specific boundary:
You: Is it wrong to kiss on the first date ?
Them: Yes.
You may feel it’s a slight against you, but it isn’t. You neither did anything wrong nor are you disliked. They may have set that boundary because of their values or something from their past.
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Setting boundaries in dating allows you to progress to a healthy relationship. Don’t be scared to speak up and share yours early on.
References
Ashley, Beth. 2022. “How to Set Boundaries in Relationships and Actually Stick to Them.” The Face. https://theface.com/life/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationships-dating.
Menachem, Seth. 2022. “Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries.” Menachem Psychotherapy Group. https://menachempsychotherapygroup.com/healthy-vs-unhealthy-boundaries/.