Good or Bad Idea: Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Can you be friends with your ex? It’s doable.
After a breakup, how do you go from being each other's number one to being strangers?
Many say the aftermath doesn’t have to be black and white. TV series like “The Vampire Diaries” and “How I Met Your Mother” often make the exes-to-friends route seem doable.
But the question is, can you be friends with your ex in real life?
Some agree on mending fences. On the other hand, others are against it. What are the pros and cons of being friendly exes? Is it even worth considering?
Make a choice with the help of this guide.
Is It Good to Become Friends with Your Ex?
The answer to this question has long been the subject of debate. Let’s get to know the two sides of the coin:
The Pros
Being friends with an ex is worth a shot if you’ve left all your emotional baggage in the past. You’re mature enough to be casual with each other without awkwardness.
Staying friends is also fine if you want to continue being good parents to your kids. You may not be a couple anymore, but you can work together to create a caring and loving environment for them. They’ll still feel pain from the separation. But they’ll also realize they remain your priority regardless.
And lastly, that friendship may be the closure you need. It’s both a finality and a new beginning. It lets you move on and gain a good friend.
The Cons
Your friendship can generate confusion and false hope, especially if you haven’t gotten over them. You may mistake your interactions as signals to get back together.
It can also hinder your healing. Your close proximity and constant interactions keep the heartbreak and other scars open. You may be happy to see them, but your heart isn’t. Flashbacks of happy memories may compel you to give your relationship a second chance.
Why Do You Want to Be Friends After a Breakup?
Based on the previous section, people have various motivations for being friends with an ex. A 2017 study published in Personal Relationships narrowed them down to four. Let’s go through each of them:
#1: Security
When you broke up, you lost both your person and your constant emotional support. Staying friends somewhat restores it. But it won’t be the same as it was during your relationship.
#2: Practicality
This includes financial support, shared possessions, or joint responsibilities, such as co-parenting.
#3: Civility
You’ve broken up, but you don’t want to burn bridges. You want to be friends because you want to be polite or belong to the same social circle. You may even feel guilty about how things went down.
#4: Unresolved romantic desires
You still have feelings for your ex. Staying friends won’t get you back together, but it lets them remain in your life. You don’t want to be alone, and you’d take the risk to reignite the sparks.
Should I Be Friends with My Ex?
Contemplate everything to avoid making a decision that you might regret down the line. Ask yourself the following questions:
#1: Have you gotten over your ex?
It’s generally agreed that jumping into a friendship with an ex while the breakup is fresh is too soon. Take time to process your split and heal.
#2: Is there a mutual interest?
Friendships don’t thrive when there’s unequal investment. This transition will only work if your ex wants to be friends with you, too.
Being friends with an ex isn't a light decision.
#3: Can you still be friends if there’s someone new?
Friendly (and slightly flirty) banter is easy when you’re both single. However, both of you will eventually date other people.
Is it okay to be friends with your ex while in a relationship?
Be transparent with your partner about your dilemma. Don’t blindside them. If your intentions are truly platonic, you don’t need to get defensive over it.
If neither you nor your partner minds the friendship, it should be fine.
#4: How will you ensure you’ll only be friends?
You broke up for a reason. Your friendship shouldn’t be the same as your previous relationship. Clear the blurry lines and stay in your lane to avoid complicating things.
Here are some boundaries for being friends with an ex:
Respect each other’s new relationships.
Don’t give each other unsolicited romantic advice.
Don’t bring up your past relationship.
Don’t be jealous or snoop on each other.
Avoid intimate settings, conversations, and physical touch.
If you’re brave enough, you can take these up with your former flame. These are good questions to ask your ex and can generate an honest discussion.
Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Take note of your answers to the questions above. They’ll guide you to your final decision.
Yes, You Can.
You can give a friendship with an ex a chance if you can confidently say the following:
#1: You don’t see them in a romantic light anymore.
Your romantic feelings have faded. You still cherish the memories, but you’re not hanging on to them. You want to be friends, but you’re not looking for anything more.
#2: You had an amicable breakup.
Breakups aren’t always dramatic. Some couples have clean splits because they know staying together will just hurt them more. If you had a clean ending, a friendship isn’t out of the question.
#3: All has been forgiven.
All the hurt you bore before and after your breakup is gone. You’ve properly processed your feelings and feel at peace after all this time.
No, You Shouldn’t.
Being friends with an ex won’t work if you’re still going through the following experiences. It’s not that you can’t, but you shouldn’t.
#1: You still have feelings for each other.
You can’t be platonic if you’re stuck in a romantic mindset. Your friendship can revert into a relationship. But there’s no guarantee it’ll be a better one. You’ll likely encounter the same issues and become more toxic to each other.
#2: You’re still getting physical.
Friendship doesn’t entitle you to physical intimacy. Not only is it manipulative, but it also increases emotional attachment. You’re better off letting go.
#3: Your guilt is doing the talking.
Whether you cheated, broke their heart, or despise singlehood, don’t let your guilt drive your actions. It will only lead you to a toxic path.
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Can you be friends with your ex?
There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. The choice is entirely yours, but when you make it, consider your well-being, and don’t just let either your heart or mind sway you.
References
Griffith, Rebecca, Omri Gillath, Xian Zhao, and Richard Martinez. 2017. “Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes: Friendship with ex-romantic partners.” Personal Relationships 24, no. 3 (June): 550-584. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12197.